"In these times, managing to stay alive yourself is hard enough, let alone concerning yourself with how others live."
Hearing Gu Qingfeng's words, an expression that seemed utterly mismatched with her innocent, guileless face appeared on Xiao Jinr's features—one of profound helplessness. She said, "Big Brother, do you believe in Karma?"
"Sort of. Can't say I fully believe, can't say I disbelieve either."
"Then, Big Brother, do you think your previous acquaintance with Sister Hua was Karma?"
"Don't know."
"Does Big Brother think Karma can be avoided?"
Gu Qingfeng shook his head, answering truthfully, "Don't know that either."
"Can Karma be severed?"
"Even less sure."
"Does Big Brother truly not know, or is he unwilling to answer Jin'er?"
Gu Qingfeng looked at Xiao Jinr and said, "Jin'er, just say what you want to say directly."
"Jin'er feels that whether it's Karma from a previous life or Karma in this life, it's still Karma. If Big Brother can avoid Karma or sever Karma, that would naturally be good. But if Big Brother can neither avoid nor sever it... why not try?"
"Trying isn't out of the question. Besides, I've never outright refused, have I?"
"Big Brother indeed hasn't refused, but Big Brother hasn't accepted either, and certainly hasn't taken the initiative, right?"
"Jin'er..." Gu Qingfeng explained patiently, "These matters depend on feeling. I don't have any particular feelings for Su Hua, so how can I take the initiative, hmm?"
"Since Big Brother has no feelings for Sister Hua, why did he attract her attention in the first place? And why did he give her hope again and again?"
"Jin'er, I just explained—back then, I merely took Su Hua away on a whim, with no other intention."
"Big Brother, Jin'er isn't talking about that time."
"Not that time? Then which time?"
"Before Wu Dao Mountain descended, Sister Hua came looking for Big Brother, didn't she?"
"That's right, there was such an incident."
"And Big Brother once said a sentence to Sister Hua. Do you remember?"
"What sentence?"
"'If you want it, if I have it.'"
"Well... I did say something like that."
"Then, Big Brother, can Jin'er understand that sentence as a promise?"
"This..." Gu Qingfeng was momentarily stumped by Xiao Jinr's question. Scratching his head, he explained, "It was indeed a kind of promise. Back then, with Wu Dao Mountain descending, both Su Hua and I knew that venturing there meant life or death was uncertain. She asked me to accompany her for a few days, so I did. As for that promise... I really did say it."
"Since Big Brother admits it, that's good."
"I never said I wouldn't admit it. If Su Hua wanted me to go find her, if she asked, no problem—I'd go right now. Tell me truthfully, Jin'er, has your Sister Hua ever asked me to go find her?"
"Sister Hua...
Indeed hasn't said it. But...
Just because Sister Hua hasn't said it doesn't mean she doesn't want to. And..." Xiao Jinr wanted to say more, but Gu Qingfeng really didn't want to keep pulling on this thread. He said, "Since your Sister Hua hasn't said it, then this can't be blamed on me. Whenever she speaks up, I'll go."
"Big Brother, you...
How can you...
Be so...
So..." Xiao Jinr stared at Gu Qingfeng, shaking her head helplessly. She wanted to say something but held her tongue. Then, shaking her head again with a long sigh, she got up, jumped off his horse, and climbed back onto her own white steed.
"Oh ho, haven't seen you for so long, and your temper has grown," Gu Qingfeng laughed. "What, you're angry because I won't go see your Sister Hua?"
"No, Jin'er isn't angry. Jin'er is just...
A little disappointed."
"What are you disappointed about?"
Riding on her white horse, Xiao Jinr gazed at the sky and said softly, "Big Brother, do you know?
Back in Langya Blessed Land, I often saw many old seniors reminiscing about their youth. I didn't understand it before, but now I finally do."
Gu Qingfeng was puzzled and didn't quite follow. He didn't know why Xiao Jinr had suddenly blurted out such a strange statement out of the blue. He asked, "What do you mean by that?"
"When you're young, you're carefree. Both reality and dreams are beautiful."
"You mean now that you've grown up, you have worries, and you've started missing those times?"
"Yes."
"So that's why you're disappointed?"
"Jin'er isn't disappointed in herself, but in Big Brother."
"How did I disappoint you?
Is it just because I won't go find your Sister Hua?"
"No, it's not that."
"Then why?"
Xiao Jinr spoke in a light, gentle tone: "Before, Jin'er often heard people say how heartless Big Brother was, how faithless. Every time Jin'er heard someone speak ill of Big Brother like that, she would get very angry and stand up to defend him. But now, today, Jin'er finally understands a truth: what everyone says is absolutely correct. Big Brother truly is a heartless, faithless person."
"This..." This time, Gu Qingfeng was utterly speechless.
Earlier,
when Xiao Jinr said he had led Su Hua on, Gu Qingfeng defended himself because back then, he truly hadn't meant to lead Su Hua on.
Now,
when Xiao Jinr called him a heartless, faithless person, Gu Qingfeng did not defend himself. That was because he knew himself that he was indeed that kind of scoundrel.
He had never denied that point.
It couldn't be helped.
This was his nature. He enjoyed teasing girls, flirting with maidens, just to pass the time and alleviate the emptiness and loneliness within.
Seeing Gu Qingfeng fall silent, Xiao Jinr apologized: "Big Brother, I'm sorry. Jin'er didn't mean to make you angry. Jin'er just wanted to..." Gu Qingfeng waved his hand and sighed, "Jin'er, Big Brother isn't angry. You're right. Your Big Brother really does have this rotten character. Can't change it, and too lazy to change it. It's just my little hobby."
"Big Brother, can Jin'er ask you a question?"
"Ask away."
"In all these years, has Big Brother never truly loved a woman?"
"Probably not."
Gu Qingfeng thought carefully about all the women he had entangled with along his journey: from the earliest Yun Nishang, to Feng Zhuyue, then to Tang Hengheng, Ye Tianlan, Jun Xuanji, and so on...
After running through them all, he recalled that in his youth, although he had a past with Yun Nishang's reincarnation, he was young and ignorant then, immature and foolish. His pursuit of her was less about genuine affection and more about flirting, showing off, and competing for face. Forget love, he probably didn't even like her.
As for Jun Xuanji, to be honest, teasing played a larger part. It couldn't be called love either.
"Big Brother, don't you think that's a very sad thing?"
"Sad?
How is it sad?"
"For a person to live their whole life without ever loving someone, without even knowing what love feels like... Big Brother, don't you think that's sad?"